


Before You Go

by LovingGwendolaj



Category: Game of Thrones RPF, gwendolaj
Genre: Angst, F/M, Goodbyes, I’m sorry, Pain, Truth, gwendolaj - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:35:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24861682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovingGwendolaj/pseuds/LovingGwendolaj
Summary: Maybe it’s time to let go 💔 When the truth will hurt her even more Nik realizes he must keep it to himself.
Relationships: Gwendoline Christie/Nikolaj Coster-Waldau
Comments: 28
Kudos: 29





	Before You Go

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn’t sure if I was going to post this or not. Does anyone actually enjoy reading sad stories? I know I don’t, so I really have no idea why I wrote it. I just heard the song and it got my mind going down a sad path - and this was the result. 
> 
> In all honestly, I think the Nik in this story might be closer to the real one. I do believe he loves Gwen but I don’t see him ever leaving his family. 
> 
> It’s more fun to pretend though, so no more angst from me after this. I don’t write it well at all, so my apologies if this is shit.

The look on her face felt like a knife to his heart. He knew immediately what it meant, even if it made no sense to him at all. “Gwen - you never said anything. You never told me.” 

“Would it have made any difference if I had?” Her voice was filled with so much pain. It was a level of pain he had never experienced before - not until that very moment when he realized he had caused that pain in her. Not only had he caused it, but he was going to lose her because of it. If he let her walk out the door, that was it. And that thought alone left him unable to get a full breath. It was a crushing weight, like an elephant sitting on his lungs. 

They had a fight. They always had fights, but this time it was different. It wasn’t light. It wasn’t two people enjoying the fuck out of roasting each other. It wasn’t leading towards sex. This was a real fight and it was the beginning of the end of their relationship. Everything was unravelling so fast and he felt it all slipping away. 

“I haven’t heard from you in weeks. Not a call, not a text - nothing.” It was true. It wasn’t intentional, but it was accurate. She had tried to call him before that and it was never the right time. Little by little he had put distance between them without even realizing what he was doing. 

“It’s not easy when I’m home all the time now,” he said. It sounded every bit the pathetic excuse it was.

“And that right there validates everything I’m feeling. I don’t mean enough to you to try - I never did.” It wasn’t true. She meant a lot to him. She meant more than he could ever say without losing his family. “Do you have any idea what it does to a person to spend over 10 years as a second thought?” His stomach churned listening to her words. “Yes, you came to me every time you could. We fucked. You looked at me like I meant something to you. You made me feel so good when we were together. But the second you walked away - the instant you went back to her I questioned everything.” He knew she wasn’t done but he couldn’t have interrupted even if he wanted to because he literally had no words at that point. “I stayed quiet though, I let you have your cake and eat it too, I allowed that to happen because I still craved those moments we shared. I was too weak to walk away from it all. I felt so worthless - until you came back again. Then I let myself believe I could have you, I would find a way to keep you. I believed you wanted that. I was such a fucking idiot.” 

“Gwen.” It was all he could say. Her name was the only thing that would come out of his mouth. 

“Even now, after all this time, all you have to do is say my name and look at me like that and I would do anything you wanted. You want to fuck? Right now? All you have to do is ask.” Nik ignored the stirring in his groin and felt disgusted by himself for feeling that way at all. “But I hope you won’t,” she continued. “I think you owe me that much.” 

Nik knew what he really owed her was the truth. She deserved to hear that she had been right. The way he looked at her, the way he craved her body and her company - it was all real. It was honest. He had loved her for years. But the cold hard truth, the other side of the coin, was that he was never going to leave his wife and tear his family apart. He loved them too. And he’d loved them first. He’d made commitments and he would honor them. 

Nukaka knew he’d been unfaithful, but she didn’t ask about it and she didn’t let it blow up as long as he came home to her and took care of his family. As long as he kept it quiet to protect them. It didn’t make it right and he felt guilty each and every time he left Gwen’s arms, but she was like a drug that he couldn’t seem to detox from. 

How many times had he tried everything he could think of to break the connection he felt to her? It was easy when she spent those periods of time deeper in the fashion world. He didn’t like the people she surrounded herself with. The vanity, the condescending attitudes, the eccentricity - he hardly recognized her when she moulded herself into that lifestyle. But the second they were together again the real Gwen came back, his Gwen, and he couldn’t imagine letting her go. 

As he looked into her eyes, those eyes he got lost in so many times before, he wanted to tell her everything that was in his heart. But all that would do was cause her even more pain. If she knew how he felt and that he still wouldn’t walk away from his family for her, that would only make it a million times worse. Letting it all come down would destroy them all. Everyone. And when they all pulled themselves out of the rubble there was no telling where they would end up. It was a crap shoot, a roll of the dice, and he loved each and every one of them too much to risk it. 

In a perfect world they would all be happy and they would all have everything they wanted - but there was only one of him and he couldn’t be two whole people. The way things were he could only ever give Gwen a part of him and she deserved so much more. 

“Was there something I could have said? Is there something I can say now to make to make it better?” He asked, even though he already knew the truth. “I honestly didn’t know what you were going through all this time.” It was her turn to be at a loss for words, which in itself was terrifying. She was never short on conversation. “It kills me that I made you feel worthless,” he admitted. “You’re anything but. You’re amazing and brilliant, so special.”

“Stop,” she interrupted. “It’s too late for any of this.” Gwen picked up her jacket and he felt bile rising up from his stomach. This was really it. “I’m only here because I knew without a proper ending I would never be able to let you go.” She closed her eyes. “Don’t say anything else. Please. Just let me walk away and don’t give me even the tiniest shred of anything that might make me doubt myself.”

When she opened her eyes again he nodded. He kept his mouth shut not for himself but for her - for once he put her first like he should have from the very start. 

She paused at the door and looked back at him sadly. “You know what? If I could go back I still wouldn’t have changed it. There were so many brief moments where I believed we were madly in love and I wouldn’t trade those memories even if they could take away all my pain.” She tapped her fingers on the door. “Giles isn’t the one. He knows it and so do I. You’re my one in 7 billion. It’s just my bad luck that I’m not yours.” He wanted so badly to hold her. “I wish you the best, but don’t try to contact me again. I’m not foolish enough to believe anything will ever change. I have to let go of my delusions. Goodbye Nik.”

The click of the door sounded like a gun going off, sending a bullet right through him. “You are the one,” he whispered. Even though he couldn’t say it to her he had to speak those words to the universe. Life would go on, and with bittersweet reverence he knew there was a very good chance they would find their way back to each other down the road. If he was feeling selfish or lonely all he had to do was call on her or in a moment of weakness she would reach out to him and the cycle would begin again. But the sickening realization they had both finally come to was that happy endings were just not in the cards for their relationship. Happy moments, good times, great sex, laughter and more - but their future would never be sunshine and roses. He would only hurt her and himself in the process. 

Ironically, his favorite line from Game of Thrones summed it all up nicely. _If you think this has a happy ending, you haven’t been paying attention. - Ramsay Bolton._


End file.
